Measurements 9/2/11

Well blogging world, I was brave enough to share my weight, now I'm going to be brave enough to share my measurements! Alright, I don't think this is as scary as how much I weigh but still, taking measurements is never fun. It is another way to track progress though so that's good :)

Here goes.

Hips: 53 1/2"

Right Arm: 16"

Left Arm: 15 3/4"

Right Thigh: 29"

Left Thigh: 30 3/4"

Chest: 39"

Waist: 35"

I took some other measurements but those are just things for me that I had wanted to see. Since the last time I took my measurements (not sure when that was), my waist is down 2 inches and my thighs are a little smaller!!!!!! PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm down 2 pounds from the metformin, current weight is 221. Still working hard. Eating has been pretty good, exercise has been so-so but still happening. Will be whipping out a DVD tomorrow since the gym is closed.

The hubby and I have been watching the show HEAVY on netflix. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's basically where they take 2 people and bring them to this place for 6 months where they are taught to work out and eat healthier and correctly. It's pretty intense.  Anyway, I've been noticing how the people are able to do so much more once they have the weight off. Obviously I know this is the case, the smaller you are, the easier it is to do things. What I didn't realize is that while I've always known I was big, I didn't think about all that extra weight I'm carrying around on me and how bad it is for everything. Keeping that thought in mind, I've been trying to push myself a little harder in my work outs and whatnot.

Here's to another week of working hard and doing the best that I can! Hopefully I'll be seeing more results in the near future!

Another Attempt

Hello world, I am Emily. I make excuses. Especially when it comes to exercise. I'm really good at making excuses for that. I'm too tired. I didn't get enough sleep. I don't feel well. Death cramps. No time. Although, honestly, when it comes down to it, I just don't like to exercise. I'm not sure anyone who is overweight likes to exercise. I think maybe I could get to that point though...right? I mean there have to be people out there that like to exercise, eh....who knows. Anywho, back to the point of this post.

I had a visit with the doctor today. My main concern: weight (obviously.) I had gotten some information from my lovely mom about an appetite suppressant pill. I thought that maybe if I could take it and start to see results, I'd want to keep going. Of course my doctor was very against me taking that particular pill. "There's no easy fix to weight loss" as if I need another reminder right, geez! Anyway, while my doctor was against the one pill, he agreed to put me back on Metformin to see how it's working out for me. I've got a month before my next follow up so we'll see.

I've been going to the gym and trying to eat healthier. It's hard (DUH!), but I'm really trying to stick with it. I asked the doctor what my healthy weight should be to have a healthy pregnancy when the time is right. He told me that for height and age, I should be about 100lbs. I ABOUT DIED!!!!! Are you freaking kidding me? Me? 100 lbs? Yeah right! The first words out of my mouth after he told me "that's gross!" The doctor agreed that since I'm big-boned (is that even a real thing), it would be improbable for me to weight that little. Instead he tells me that for a healthy pregnancy, I should aim for between 102 to 140 lbs. That narrows it down huh. I'm aiming for between 125 to 135. I think that's good for me so that's the goal.

Had to go swim suit shopping today. TRAUMATIC I TELL YOU! I was so embarrassed I was getting flustered, red-faced, and I started sweating. I ended up buying one that I actually like but I'm still SUPER self-conscience to wear it in public but who isn't. I wore the swim suit to 7 peaks (Utah water park) and after a while, I forgot about my body. I just enjoyed having fun with my friends and being in the water. It was so much fun and I just want to get back to that. Enjoying life without worrying about my body. That someday is coming so soon I can almost taste it! I'm going to work even harder and get to where I need to be!

Long, rambling post I know, and I know I've said a million times that I'm going to change and lose the weight. I just feel like something has changed now and I might possibly start seeing results one day soon.

Positive Thinking

So I heard somewhere a while back that instead of thinking about how much weight you want to lose, you should focus on the number you want to be. I didn't really think it would work at first but I thought I'd give it a try. So for the past couple of weeks, when I'm getting ready to go to bed, I think over and over in my mind "125.....125......125.....125" I fall asleep with that number replaying in my mind every night.

Since I've started doing this, I've lost 6 pounds! It probably doesn't hurt that I've also stopped eating late at night. I've kinda noticed a few changes already and oddly enough I'm feeling good! Lets hope I can keep this up! My sister S and her bestie(our mutual friend) B have invited me to participate in doing yoga with them on  Saturday mornings. I've only done it once but it was good. I'm excited to keep it up!

I'm slowly but surely working towards my goal and I'm seeing a bit of progress!!!!!! Just thought I'd share that with everyone :)

Feeling a little down.

So with my last post, I was so excited to start this whole running venture but now that excitement has seem to worn off. The biggest reason is that I can't get started with my new adventure. We don't have the extra money for me to buy new shoes or a good bra, plus I'm sure I'll need knee braces because my knees hurt just from standing for long periods of time. How sad is it that at 21, I'm already having joint problems because of how much I weigh? Yeah, definitely sad, I know.

I got an email on Facebook today from a friend from my hubby's mission. She's read this here blog and I actually inspired her to by the couch to 5k app and she had just completed her first day! I'm so proud of her!!!!!!!! I only wish I could inspire myself the way I've inspired her. I really want to get started on this, I really do. I cry a little on the inside every time I think about wanting to work out and realize I can't do the things I want to do because I don't have the proper equipment. I don't want to injury myself in any way so I want to make sure I have the right stuff before I start. You'd think with working two jobs now, we'd have a little extra money but truth-be-told, we don't. Still trying to stick to our budget and so far we've been doing pretty great. There just usually isn't extra money for extra things. I'm thinking about getting a third job so that we'll have a little extra money so I can get me some exercise clothing and start this running stuff!!!!! We'll just have to see how it goes I guess.

I might be back....

Alright I've been MIA for a while and in my last post, I mention that my blog might have died. However, I still log in every day and read others blogs and I'm seeing everyone making changes around me yet I'm not going anywhere. That's not okay with me.

Lately the weirdest thing has been happening to me. My legs feel like they need to run. I HATE RUNNING!!!!! It's not even funny how much I hate running yet everyone tells me I should get into it because it's a good way to jump start weight loss and see results. So since my legs have been craving it, I caved and bought an app on my ipod touch. It's a Couch to 5K thing that goes for 9 weeks and at the end of it, you're supposed to be able to run......well obviously, a 5K. I haven't started it yet but I'm kind of excited. I need to get some shoes first and a better sports bra. A big girl like me has bigger....assets that need to be supported :)

I'm not sure how I feel about taking on this venture but I'm going to try. I think part of the reason I hate running so much is because I'm so out of shape. Honestly I think that's the biggest reason. I mean, aside from the awful pain I get whenever I run of course. Also, I don't breathe very well when I run, courtesy of a semi-blocked sinus passage. I think the biggest problem I'm going to have with this is that I'm lazy. I like to sleep, I like to relax, watch t.v, surf the internet. I just plain don't like to work out or put my body through pain. I know that's the reason I'm so big, besides all the crap I eat as well.

So once I get my shoes and bra, I'm going to try the first week of the program. I'll get back to you soon to let you know how it goes.

Eh.....

I don't have the motivation to write. I feel like I have nothing of importance or value to talk about. I'm just stuck and not going anywhere. Maybe my blog has died.

StS Day 7

Well I did my weigh in today. I was beyond depressed. Minus the brownie incident, I thought I had been doing pretty good with my eating and even though I had been less than diligent with my workouts. I figured I'd still be the same or maybe a few ounces under but no. I'm up 3 pounds. Like I said, beyond depressed. I started feeling really down on myself and I all sorts of ready to just give up. I have hit my highest weight of 223 and in my mind I felt like I had done all this hard work so I couldn't understand how I had ended up here. Then I realized that it's my own fault and I have no one and nothing else to blame for where I'm at right now.

I've been putting in less then 100% on my part and quite honestly I'm sick of it. I know I've said I need to step it up and really put my heart into it but I don't think I ever really believed it until today. I thought I could just do the bare minimum and somehow manage to make it work. I CAN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!! I need to buckle down and really put in a huge effort. I need to get myself on a sleep schedule and get up and work out. I need to make my menus and stick to them instead of  just being lazy about it. I need to focus on my portion control and really try hard to stick to it. I also need to believe in myself and know that I can make this happen. I don't know how many of you read my post about losing weight to start a family but that's been on my mind a lot today.

My sister S has been in an adoption process for about 12 weeks. The baby mama gave birth this morning making my beautiful sister a first time mommy. I am so happy for her and so excited to meet my little niece Iz, but it reminded me of my goal of wanting to be a mommy myself and how I'm not working towards that goal at all. Hubby is wanted to get pregnant when we get home from our anniversary trip. So first off, I need to lose the weight for our trip but I also have to lose it to be able to have a healthy pregnancy. I'm sure once I lose the weight though I'm going to want to wait to get pregnant so I can keep the weight off for a while. Either way I need to lose weight to obtain my ultimate goal of starting a family.

So I'm having a change of heart here and now. I'm not going to slack off any more. I'm going to make sacrifices and I'm going to put in the effort. I'm going to make changes for the better and I'm going to prevail!!!!!!!

StS Day 4

Well I'm sure this will come as no shock to people who know me but I'm sick again. Pretty sure my Hubby got the 24 hour flu that's flying around and of course I just managed to catch it as well. I think part of being overweight is that i have a weakened immune system. I don't know this for a fact but either way, I have a crap immune system and I get sick ALL the time. So I'm down for today. No exercising and just slowly eating saltine crackers so that I don't end up throwing up again. Exceeding my water goal today though. So far I've had 6 water bottles. That's 144 ounces so far for the day. Yes I've been to the bathroom frequently, minus the "stage fright" at workmed when I had to pee in a cup for a pre-employment drug test. Took me almost 2 hours to finally get it over and done with, even though I'd had tons of water. Psh, oh well. The most important thing is that I'm staying hydrated and it's even more important now that I'm sick and throwing up and such. I'm hoping and praying this really is only a 24 hour bug, the nurses at workmed said it's a 3 day flu and that's not something I can do. Off to continue my rest and relaxation so I can get better. Find a way to feel P.H.A.T today!!!!!!!!

StS Day 2

Alright so day one of the Slimmer this Summer challenge(StS) was yesterday and lets just say that I might have forgotten.....

I ended up drinking 3 out of 4 water bottles and I was pretty proud of myself for that. I didn't get to my exercise DVD but I did do about 4 hours of housework and packing. So that balances out right? I was doing pretty well with my eating until it got to about 9 pm. I was really craving mint brownies so I told my father-in-law that if he brought me the brownies, I'd clean his fiance's bathroom. I sold out for some brownies and ended up ruining my whole eating for the day. Complete bummer I know but I thought I did much better today.

I'm not counting calories or anything because I'm completely awful at it and don't have the patience to figure out all the calories so I've been working on portion control. I need to work on it a little more and make sure I'm adding healthier items into my menu. Overall though, I think I did okay. There is still definitely room for improvement on the eating front but that's what this challenge is for right? To learn to get into the groove of things and get slimmer! I did my walking to. Granted it was only 30 minutes but that's because I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I was proud of what I did though so that helps things. I definitely got my heart rate up and I was feeling the burn! I did more housework today and I'm going to go spend some time on the stair stepper once I finish this post.

This first week of figuring things out is a little more complicated then I thought it would be but I'm looking forward to the challenge. I'm ready to start shedding the weight!!!!!!! I'm totally feeling so PHAT right now!

Getting Slimmer this Summer!!!!!!!

Alright so I've joined a blog challenge. It's called Slimmer this Summer and there's a little thing on the left side of my blog if you want to check it out! I'm new to the whole challenge thing but I'm pretty excited about it. The challenge runs for 12 weeks and the "rules" are pretty simple. You come up with a few goals like how much weight you want to lose, how many times a week you're going to exercise, etc. You're accountable for yourself and your progress or lack there of so you have to do at least one blog post a week, even if you have a less than stellar week ya still gotta write about it so everyone can give you words of encouragement! Oh and that's another rule, NO NEGATIVITY!!!!!! We're here to support each other, not bring each other down. So always stay positive, not only for yourself but for the other people in the challenge as well. Anyway, to learn more, check out that link I mentioned above and see for yourself! I think it's going to be great!!!

So now onto my goals. I've been struggling to think of which goals I'd like to work on and how exactly I would go about doing them. I think I've got my goals narrowed down and I'm feeling pretty good about them but then again, knowing me, I'll probably think of more goals to add or revise my goals in the next couple of days. Well here we go......

1. Lose 20 pounds and keep it off!!!!!!!

2. Drink 96 ounces of water a day! That's my Camelbak water bottle filled up 4 times!  

3. Establish a workout routine that involves 4 workouts a week plus three walking days! I'm thinking workout DVDs on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday and walking Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

4. Fit back into my cute green shirt without it being tight! A little over 9 months ago I bought a cute green shirt to wear to the airport for my hubby's homecoming from his mission. That day is the one and only time I've worn the shirt since it's purchase. I went to wear it the other day and it no longer fits! So it's my goal to get back into this shirt!

So for now those are the goals I'm working on. I've still got one running around in my head but I'm not sure exactly how to put it into words or how to make it happen so that's one I still need to think about. I'm really super excited to work on these goals especially since we're taking a trip in January for our 1 year anniversary to......

We went there for our Honeymoon thanks to Hubby's wonderful cousin A. She's hooking us up again so we can celebrate our anniversary in the place "Where Dreams Come True", which makes me especially happy since my Hubby is my DREAM COME TRUE!!!!! When we went this past January, I weighed in at about 220, same as now. I'd like be to under 200 and maybe back down to my pre-mission weight of 184. I'd like to look a lot different in these pictures this time around. Well that's about all for this post as of now, I don't want to keep it going cause I don't want to get you all bored :) I do however have one final picture to post that I've been promising to post for a while so here it is. My dream board!!!!!!

I'll see you all back here in a few days to give an update to the challenge!!!!

Slacking

I haven't had the motivation to write a blog post in a while obviously. I've been slacking on everything and believe me, it hasn't been pretty. Since May is about to wrap up, I can officially say that I failed on every one of my goals for the month. That's not something I'm proud to admit but at least I'm being honest about it, right?

I've signed up to join a challenge called Slimmer This Summer. I'm supposed to be making goals for the challenge and writing them here in my blog but the dumb thing is, I can't think of a single goal I want to complete. Of course there are MANY goals I want to complete but I can't seem to pin it down to just a few. I feel like making one goal leads to making another goal and another and another until all you are doing is working on goals but then you forget which goals and since you're working on so many you don't see any of the progress being made! Sigh.......it's a vicious vicious cycle my friends.

One a happier note, I have a new reason to kick my butt into gear and work hard to lose some weight. My hubby and I are planning something for our one year anniversary in January and I'd like to look better this time around in the pictures that we take. Part of our plan to make this adventure happen is to STOP EATING OUT!!!!! We waste so much money for something that only lasts for a few minutes and not to mention the way it ever so annoyingly adds extra pounds to my already obese frame. I feel really good about this change. Buying groceries, following a menu, eating smaller portions, it's going to be so good for me! That's something I'm really excited about actually. It'll help me shed weight from my body and add some weight to our checking account! It's going to be bomb.com. Anyway, I'm off the think of my goals for the challenge and do one of my workout DVDs and the stair-stepper.

No Pain, No Gain

NO PAIN, NO GAIN

Sometimes I wonder about this quote. I know it means you have to do the work and feel the pain to get the what you want or the gain. But other times I think "NO GAIN" and in my mind that's exactly what I want, NO GAIN. I don't want to gain anymore weight! I told ya'll about how I lost 4 pounds when I was sick. Unfortunately I gained 2 back but I've managed to keep the other 2 off! I'm rather proud of myself. Small steps at a time my friends, small steps at a time.

Other times I think of the quote like this quote "NO LOVE, NO PEACE. KNOW LOVE, KNOW PEACE." So now instead of NO PAIN, NO GAIN it shall be known in my mind as KNOW PAIN, KNOW GAIN!!!!! I always wimp out at the gym because I feel a little bit of pain and immediately have to stop. I know it's not good to keep working through the pain, I guess I mean I feel the burn and I give up. I'm never going to see results if I don't do the work. So frustrating I know but there are no magic cures when it comes to weight loss. Reminds me of the Saved by the Bell episode I watched yesterday. Screech invents this "miracle" zit cream that gets rid of pimples in about 2 hours. Zach decides to sell it to everyone in school, including his love Kelly, only to find out after from Screech that the cream turns your face maroon! The morale of the story is there isn't a quick fix for things like that, not zits, not weight loss.

I went on a hike today with my hubby, sister, and bro-in-law. Now mind you this isn't a bad hike, not by any means. But I kid you not, not even 5 minutes into it and I was already stopping because my legs were burning, I couldn't breathe, and I was just plain struggling. I was so embarrassed! I knew I was out of shape but honestly I didn't know it was that bad. I kept stopping on the trail to let other people pass me and there was a couple that got up to the top and back before I even got to the half way point. Good thing I was wearing my sunglasses so no one could see me cry. I eventually made it to the top but by then I was just dying to get out of there. I just couldn't believe that a 3 mile(total) hike was so hard for me. On the way down, my sister stated that her and her hubby would like to do that hike twice a week and invited us to join them. I looked at her as if she was crazy and firmly stated that I hate hiking and don't want to do it again. However I want to be able to complete that hike without having to stop every few minutes or being so out of breathe that I can barely talk. I don't want to be that out of shape! So I guess I'm going to have to go along with the gang and participate in these hikes. Eventually I'll be able to make it, right?

I still managed to smile after the hike

Some Days Are Better Than Others

So this past week I've been working on my goals. So far I'm doing pretty good with drinking my water. I obviously have to pee more than normal but I'm still keeping it up.  Unfortunately I haven't been able to give up the soda. I don't know what it is but I just like it too much! BLEH!! I'm still working on it though.

Thanks to my Mommy (Happy Mother's Day!!!) for getting me a Kindle two Christmases ago because I was able to download the scriptures and I can read them anytime, anywhere! I guess that works for reading my scriptures but it doesn't exactly help to set up a study schedule because I am reading them randomly. Don't get me wrong, I ABSOLUTELY love my Kindle and having all my books at my disposal whenever I want, but there's just something different about actually holding the scriptures in your hands, being able to mark them up, underline your favorite passages, write side notes about how the verse relates to you. Yeah you can highlight, underline, and make notes on Kindles but it's just not the same when it comes to your scriptures so I'm still working on that.

My recycling efforts haven't gone anywhere. I've just been to lazy for that lately which is a really bad excuse I know but that's the truth. I'm going to do a little more research tomorrow and find out what more I can do. I'm still working on my mantra for positive thinking and I also still need to get a picture of my dream board up on here. I'm just slacking all over the place lately. Especially with my working out. I'm getting really frustrated with myself about that. I really am. I don't want to be fat anymore! I want to be fit, be healthy, I WANT TO LIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR!!!!!!!!! Sigh...........I have no one to blame but myself for how I look and for the fact that nothing is changing. I need to whip myself into shape and just get going on it!!!! It's going to happen!!!!

It's a new month!

It's May 1, 2011. The biggest change happening this month is that I will be turning 21!!! I am somewhat excited but at the same time, kinda scared. Getting older means having more responsibility and just other things that scare/worry me. I have 3 days left as a 20 year old. I guess I just better enjoy it, huh?

So I've decided that I don't want this blog to be just about my weight loss efforts. Which, in a sense, I guess it's not. I'm working on three aspects of my life : to be Pretty, to be Hot, and to be Tempting. However all three of those things seem similar to me. I feel like everything I wanted to focus on has to do with my appearance, and while I do want to change my appearance obviously, I also want to become a better person in the process.

I wanted to become more involved in Church, grow closer to the Lord, build stronger relationships with my husband/family/friends, become more charitable, work to help save the planet, etc. There's just so many things I want to improve on to become a better person not only on the outside but on the inside as well. So I've decided to set  a few different small goals that helped to work toward each of the things I want to achieve.

1. For my health goal, I want to not drink soda for the whole month and start drinking at least 2 full water bottles daily. I have a camelbak water bottle that is 24 ounces so drinking 2 a day is 48 ounces and I think that's a pretty good place to start right?

2. For my religion goal, there are two parts. Attend Church every Sunday no matter how tired I am from working graveyards the night before. And establish a scripture reading schedule to where I'm not only reading my scriptures every day but actually studying them and trying to learn everything I can from them.

3. Inspired by my bestie whose motto is "We Are The World", I'm going to start a recycling effort. This might be a little hard in my home because my husband doesn't care about it but I really want to work on it. I'm going to talk to my bestie and see what she does with her recycling and I'm really going to make an attempt at this. I want to help save our planet before it comes down to us having nothing left!

4. To improve my overall self esteem, I'm going to come up with a positive mantra to repeat to myself every morning, or just throughout the day when I'm feeling down about myself. I'm going to think about the mantra tonight and then I'll let everyone know tomorrow. But having great self esteem will have a positive impact on every part of my life and that's something I'm looking forward to!

Okay, this post is long enough already but I'm excited to be working on these goals for this month! It's going to be excited to see how things change!

*I laugh everyday. People like me. I am unique. I like to smile*

Joys of the treadmill

Well I went to the gym this morning. Good for me, right? Well it was good for the most part. 3 hours of sleep and getting up at 4 am didn't keep me in the greatest of moods but somehow I managed to survive. My bestie generally likes to use the elliptical machine so I struggle along next to her since I figure it must be good for me. Lots of fitness magazines say ellipticals are great work out and I can see how that would be true. For me however, I just end up not being able to breathe very well whenever I use the elliptical. So I figured today I'd try just getting my cardio on with the treadmill.

I didn't run. I honestly never run. I'm not a runner, I can't run. I always think that eventually I could learn to run correctly, or just even like to run but I just don't think it's for me. First I can't breathe when I run. Second I get major headaches when I run, and third, I don't like running because I don't like my fat jiggling all over the place while I just torture myself. So today I just decided to walk. I walked fast enough that it was getting my heart rate up and I was sweating a little bit but it wasn't fast enough that I was almost jogging or that I couldn't keep up with it. I feel pretty good after. It made me happy. I think I'll keep it up and start doing it more frequently.

Just a little fun fact for ya'll: When you are using a treadmill and you have it on 0% incline, you're actually doing yourself more harm than good. 0% incline is actually slightly downhill and thus puts more strain on your legs. Looking at the machine you won't notice it but over time your body will feel it. They say it's best to put your incline on 1% because it evens out the machine enough that you're walking on a flat surface. Fun stuff, huh.:)

Open your arms to change

So Summer is coming up in just a few short weeks! Well at least we hope it's coming. Winter can't seem to stop being a jealous freak that wants to hog all our time! Anyway, we all are aware that I am in no way, shape, or form going to be ready for bikini season this year, maybe not even just general swim suit season. I do know one this for sure though, I don't want to have to cover up my arms all the time to hide the flab! So for the month of May, in addition to doing other workouts, I'm going to spend a lot of time focusing on my arms. I know spot-reduction workouts aren't really the trend, especially because with all the working out you're doing anyway, there are other parts in your body that will shrink as well but I just really want to focus on my arms.

I'm not talking gross, body builder arms with veins popping out everywhere looking like they are about to burst, just nice, lean arms with slight muscle definition. You all know what I'm talking about, not much need to explain lol. But since it's going to be summer, I want to enjoy short sleeve shirts instead of long sleeve shirts pushed up to the elbow, three quarter length sleeves, or oversize t-shirts with sleeves that hit the elbow anyway because they are so big. I just want to be able to show off at least one part of my body this summer so that's my goal for the month of May!

Coughing should be classified as an ab workout!

Well I'm still sick. It seriously feels like it's never going to go away! I'm sure it will though, I mean obviously it will, it will just take time. But with being sick, I've lost another 2 pounds so a total of 4 pounds just from being sick. Crazy right? Also with being sick (I have a cold now on top of everything else), I've been coughing like crazy and it makes my abs hurt. Which leads me to think that coughing should be classified as an ab workout! My abs hurt!!!!!! Along with my throat but that just comes with the territory lol. Well I don't have much else to update about today. I'm still sick, still need to take a picture of my dream board, still need to finish my playlist. I have lots of things I still need to do lol. I should probably get on that instead of slacking off!

Down for the Count

Okay so I haven't posted in 9 days but I've had an excuse for the last 7. I've been sick with no idea what I have or how I got it. I guess I should go to the doctor and find out what's up with me but I worry by the time I actually get there, I won't be sick anymore and everyone will think I'm faking it. Trust me I am not, and my hubby can agree to it! So as much as I've hated being sick, it's been good for me in one way. I've lost 2 pounds! I know that's nothing to get super excited for obviously because it's only 2 pounds but it give me a slight glimmer of hope that it will be possible to lose the weight. I've got to start talking to myself in a more positive manner and here's one thing I started subconsciously saying without even realizing it until my husband pointed it out. I always used to say things like " Oh IF I were skinny, then ....." Now I've started saying "WHEN I'm skinny....." By saying that I eventually will be skinny, I'm helping myself to believe that it's actually going to happen :)

So last night I was having a conversation with a co-worker and we were talking about being overweight and whatnot. She said something that really struck me. She was talking about how she didn't want to be seen by former friends or people from high school because of weight gain. She talked about how being "fat" was always in the back of her mind. She said "I'll be like 'Yeah, we're going bowling! But oh yeah, I'm fat." I realized that I do the same things everyday. And I thought to myself about how many times I've said I didn't want to do something that I really wanted to do just because I was worried about being fat and what people would think of me. So I've decided, after being inspired by my friend Candice, to make a "SKINNY BUCKET LIST" aka the list of things I want to do when I'm skinny.

1. Have my husband carry me over the threshold without him having to put me down immediately afterward

2. Feel comfortable enough to wear bikini (maybe, if the stretch marks fade nicely, a one-piece without cover-up if not) and not care

3. Start taking a bajillion pictures with my husband/friends

4. Go to the mall and try on tons of cute clothes because I'll finally be able to fit into them

So that's all I can think of for now but basically ya'll get my drift. I've also complete my fitness dream board and I'll take a picture tomorrow and get it posted up here. So until then, I'm off to make a new workout play list to get back into my motivation.

What's Not To Like?

What's not to like about myself? Well apparently in my eyes, a lot of things. I wanted to post every single day of April on things that I like about myself. I only wrote about 4 things. That's pretty sad in my opinion but honestly, I couldn't think of anything else to write about. I can't say I like my nose, I don't. I can't say I like my chin, I don't. I can't talk about anything else on my body because I don't like anything else about my body. So I decided to like what my body can do and maybe it will help me learn to like those parts of my body. Does that make sense? I sure hope so cause here it goes.

I've decided today that I like all the things my arms can do. I've been seeing all those previews of the movie Soul Surfer, about the girl whose arm was bitten off by a shark while she was surfing and she still gets back out there. I was thinking about it today and I would be lost without my arms! I wouldn't be able to type in this blog, or text, or write things down or most importantly hug my husband! I'm sure I would eventually learn to get along without my arms but for now, I would seriously struggle. So for today I'm grateful I have my arms. I may not like the way they look, but I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things in my life right now without them. I am going to work on my arm muscles so I can get toned up and not have "relief society" arms anymore and then I can love my arms all the way!

Your eyes are brown...you must be full of crap!

If you couldn't tell by the title that 1. this blog is about my eyes, and 2. that my eyes are brown then I just don't even know what to do with you right now. I guess I should still love you because you're reading my blog and all so I'll just have to go with that :) So yeah, I love my eyes! I think they are really pretty and I like looking at them. Well I guess they like looking at themselves since you see with your eyes....that makes sense right? Anyway, I think my eyes are really cool. They are a nice dark brown and the outsides look like they have a little black around them. Just overall, my eyes are pretty stellar in my opinion. They even have freckles on them like the rest of me. How awesome is that? Freaking awesome in my book. Plus I can do this cool thing where I cross one eye and not the other. Just one more reason to love my eyes


My cool eye trick



The Cherry On Top

I don't really feel like loving myself today but I figured I'd better post anyway since I said I would and I need to remind myself about things that I like about myself. Most all of you know, and if you don't......you must have been living under a rock the past 20 years, that I am a natural born redhead. I love being a redhead so much! I'm always getting compliments about my hair and people are always telling me they wish they had my color. I like growing my hair out and donating it because I know how many people like my hair so I figure someone would like a wig out of it, right?

My mother is a gorgeous redhead so I have her to thank for my beautiful hair. I love the way it has a slight golden spark to it in the sunlight. I love the way it looks when I wear a green shirt. I love the way it goes along with my freckles :) But most of all, above anything else, I love that my hair makes me unique. There aren't a lot of natural redheads out there, most are dyed. I'm glad those people want to have my outstanding coloring but nothing beats the real thing! Just for fun, here are some facts about redheads:

• Professor Jonathan Rees conducted a study of redheads at Edinburgh University.He identified the"gene for red hair" the melanocortin 1 receptor (MC1R), found on the 16th chromosome. He found that this single gene was responsible for red hair.
• Red hair is a genetic mutation
• The highest percentage of natural redheads in the world is in Scotland (13%), followed closely by Ireland with 10%. In the US, about 2% of the population are natural redheads     

Just thought I'd share those with you so that you may too learn to love redheads as much as I do!

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."
                          Lucille Ball

My laugh/ sense of humor

I love my laugh! Over the past week, I've gone out with my friends on two different occasions and both times we've been at restaurants. My laughter was the loudest thing there and I feel like it carried through the entire place. I love that about myself! And I love laughing, and making people laugh! You always hear that fat girls use humor to hide behind their feelings. I think that's true to some extent but I also think that some people are are just naturally funny. When I go back and read through my high school yearbooks, almost every comment is about how I made someone laugh or how hilarious I am. I really, honestly think that's true about myself. I think I am a really funny person and generally I have no problems making people laugh.

I know some people hate how they laugh or hate how loud their laughs are but not me. I absolutely love my laugh and my sense of humor that makes other people laugh. I do admit that I might use humor to hide behind my feelings about being fat but for the most part, I really am just a funny person. Now if only I could get that humor to translate through this post......... :)

My Freckles

So I've decided that if I want to improve my self image/confidence then I need to find things about myself that I like instead of things I don't like. I'm going to try to post something everyday. Whether it's something about my body or something about my personality, I'm going to find things that I love!

I'm starting today which is now officially the 2nd but this post is for the 1st. I decided to start with my freckles because I used to love them when I was younger but for the last little while, I've had a love/hate relationship with them. I'm almost identical to my mother and I have been since I was born. Being that my mom grew up as a redhead with freckles as well, she instilled in me from a very young age that freckles are beautiful. She used to tell me that they were angel kisses :) When kids would tease me about them when I was younger, I'd reply "They are angel kisses and since I have so many, it means the angels love me more!" Lately I've been beginning to forget about that.

You see all these pictures everywhere of women with perfect, flawless skin. No freckles, no zits, no moles (unless you're Cindy Crawford of course). When I've attempted doing my make-up lately, I've been trying to cover my freckles so that I could look like these women. Of course I'm not very good at covering them since I'm no professional make-up artist but still. I remembered today though that my freckles make me unique. Sure most everyone has a few freckles here and there but there aren't many people in the world with tons of freckles, especially on their faces.

While I've always preferred a natural (no makeup) look to a full face of make-up. I've realized today that I can still wear make-up in a natural way that still shows my freckles and helps to remind me that I'm beautiful in my own unique way. Now just to get clear skin without any zits so that I can show off my awesome freckles!!!!

My beautiful freckles in all their glory!

Exercise releases endorphins, Endorphins make you happy!!!!!!!

I'm sure everyone has heard that quote from Legally Blonde. I didn't know it was actually true until I worked out the other day. I came home in such a great mood! My husband loved it and I felt fantastic. I finally know what people are talking about when they say they have a workout "high". I think that's something I could maybe get addicted to lol. Now I know it's impossible to already see results but I just feel a little smaller when I look at myself and I really like that. Even just feeling that way helps me know it's possible to eventually be the way I want to look!

I've been working on my dream board over the weekend. I thought I was doing pretty good until I realized I had more positive, uplifting words (which is good), but not enough pictures of ways I want to look. So it's still a work in progress but no worries, it's almost complete! I'm just really excited about it and can't wait until it's completely done. I think it's going to help motivate me even more.

I'm just feeling really positive about everything right now. I really think it's going to work this time. I'm going to be different!!!! It's going to be great!

Feelin' The Burn

Well I worked out at the rec center today with my bestie. We were lacking motivation today and were pretty tired but we still made an effort. I haven't worked out in a while obviously but man do I feel the burn now. It made me feel so good afterwards to know that I did something to aid in my weightloss. I'm excited to start planning more ways to exercise and workout. I'm also going to start walking more. It's going to be really good for me. I just know it!

On Monday, I'm going to see if I can get my sister to help me take a before photo and get my measurements down. Once I have those, I'll have a better idea of what exactly I need to do and where I need to be. I'm honestly just getting so excited! Let's hope that lasts lol. The biggest thing I need to work on right now though is my self confidence.

Since I don't like the way I look, I blame my weight for other things. I say my husband isn't attracted to me because I'm fat. I just blame everything on my weight. I don't want to do that anymore. So even though I'm still fat and I'm going to be for a while, I want to improve my self confidence and how I see myself. I already commented about how  I want to make a dream board so that is my goal for this weekend. And also to work on my self image. Hopefully things all work out the way I want them to. My next post is hopefully going to be things I like about myself. I just have to think about that first lol

Doctor Aftermath

Well going to the doctor today was kind of a bust. He got my records from my two previous doctors so that he had all my information. Needless to say, after reviewing my files, I feel like he thinks what I told him about having PCOS and Hypothyriodism is a bunch of crock. I mean, those doctors are the ones who told me I had those things so I'm not sure what their notes say otherwise. Either way, the doctor had me get my blood drawn (AWFUL), and had to me a gluclose test to see if my pre-diabetic condition was improving or had gotten worse.

I figured the doctor would put me on the same medications that I was on before to help with these problems but he doesn't think they are going to be much help to me. I guess once we get the blood work back, we might find out something different but for now I'm medication free. The doctor compared being overweight and eating all the time to being a heroin addict. That just made me so happy, let me tell you! I was so upset by that I leaned over and jokingly said to my husband "I wish I was a heroin addict, then I'd be SKINNY!" I don't really wish that, I swear. I would never want to do that to my body! I was basically told today that I have to work really hard for a really long time to lose the almost 100 lbs I'm carrying around or get surgery. The doctor doesn't think I really have any other options.

Obviously, I'm WAY against surgery. It just isn't for me.  I want to do this the right way, the healthy way. I've gotten my husband to agree to get healthy with me and my bestie has agreed to start working out with me again. I'm actually getting excited because I know I can do this. I know I can change my body and my lifestyle. I want to love myself! However, the biggest reason I want to lose weight is for someone else.

My husband is not able to have children, and we'd like to use a sperm donor to start our family. At my current weight, and with the problems I have, it would be near impossible for me to have a safe, healthy pregnancy. Derek and I have always said we'd wait about a year before we started planning for a family so I'm going to take this year and get healthy. I want to have a family, I want to be a mom. Being around my sister lately has really reinforced the idea. We both struggle with infertility in our lives and I'm so glad I have her to go through things like this with. So as I said, my biggest reason for wanting to lose weight is for someone else, my future family.

Coming Clean

Alright ya'll I'm just going to come clean here. I'm going to tell you all my weight. I currently weigh 221 lbs. This is the most I've ever weighed and honestly it depresses me to no ends but then again you all know that from my last post.

I spent some time with my sister today and she inspired me to make a dream board about my fitness goals. I going to make one tomorrow and display it where I will see it every day and hopefully it will help to motivate me. I think on Monday I'll take my measurements and get a before photo taken. I have an appointment with my doctor that day so I guess we'll see where I'm going from there.

So in addition to having hypothyroidism, I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. Between the two, it's a wonder I've ever been able to lose weight in my life! The doctor says that once I lose the weight, those problems, as well as being pre-diabetic, will go away. How am I supposed to lose weight when both of those things are keeping me from it!?! I know it's possible though so I'm going to get there someday. The doctor will put me on some medications probably to help with it but I guess we'll have to see on Monday.

Today I had to go shopping for some new clothes since I don't have many things I can wear anymore. I was able to find some cute shirts that I liked but jeans were a whole other story. I generally fluctuate between a size 16 and size 18. I tried on a pair of size 20 and even they didn't work. Given they were skinny jeans but I didn't know that when I tried them on. Still it caused a mini breakdown right there in the middle of the plus-size department of Wal-Mart. Yeah I'm officially plus-size now, just so we're all clear. My sister advised me to go try D.E.B at the mall for some jeans so that's wear I'll be headed tomorrow. I'm also going to look into maybe getting a personal trainer because I think that will really help me. We'll just have to see how things pan out. Despite my breakdown the other day though, I have a positive outlook.....at least for now.

I FAIL!

Okay seriously, I fail at this whole weight loss thing. I'm still lacking motivation even though I really want to lose the weight. I just can't seem to get into it. I know I'm one of those people who wants instant result so obviously weight loss is going to be hard for me just for the mere fact that it's not instant. I know it takes work. I know it takes time. I just can't seem to cope with that.

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror, I end up hating myself more and more. I don't even like having my husband look at me because I'm so disgusted with myself. He says he loves me and that I'm still good-looking to him but I know I'm not. I'm seriously getting bigger every day. There are new stretch marks everywhere. I just look awful. I can't even wear most of my clothes anymore. It used to be just about half of my clothes that I couldn't wear. Now the t-shirts that I used to wear to cover up my fat....even they are getting tight. Most days I don't even want to leave the house because I don't want to be seen in public.

I don't want to be fat anymore. I REALLY SERIOUSLY DON'T!!!!!!! I just don't know what to do to get myself more into working out and eating right. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to like myself...even love myself again. I just don't know how to get there. I'm just stuck in this never ending cycle of getting bigger and bigger. I need to figure something else out. I need to find out how to really kick myself into gear and get to a place where I start seeing result so that I don't give up. I mean, the other day I ate 5 slices of cheese stuffed crust pizza and 3 cheese sticks. I just give into my cravings where ever and whenever without a thought or care. I don't want to be like that anymore but I can't seem to stop eating.

Another problem I have is my thyroid. I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid is under active and it is harder for me to lose weight. I feel like I use that as an excuse sometimes but I know I should get back on my medications and find ways to work around it. There are just so many things I need to work through to really get to a place where I can be happy and comfortable with myself. I think the first thing I need to do is get on a real sleep schedule. No more staying up until 3,4, or 5 in the morning and sleeping until 1,2, or 3 in the afternoon. Speaking of which, I better get to bed now. Have to be up early in the morning.

The Ab Workout

Alright, this ab workout has already kicked my butt, or well abs I guess I should say. I ran through it twice this morning since I missed yesterday and just sitting here I can already feel the burn! The moves didn't look so hard in the magazine but once I actually started doing them, I could really feel them working. I wish I could post the workout on here but sadly I can't find it on http://www.shape.com/ , but I recommend everyone visit this site! They have so many great tips and workout and just everything you need to either jump start your weight loss efforts, or revamp your day-to-day routines. I really think I should maybe renew my subscription.

Anyway, onto other things now. I have a major weakness: SODA. More specifically-Sprite. I really love it, and I can't get enough of it sometimes. At first I was going to attempt to just cut out soda all together but I realized that just stopping cold turkey doesn't work for me. I need to gradually lessen my amounts and have it less frequently. I think eventually I'd like to not be drinking soda anymore but I, for myself, find that a little hard to do. One of the biggest things about weight loss is moderation. Have your favorite dessert, just in smaller portions, and not every night. So I think the same thing applies to soda. At least for now anyway. I think I'll allow myself one soda a week and gradually cut back to maybe one soda every two weeks? I think that's a good place to be, especially for me.

Hopefully I'll be posting a current photo, measurements, and possibly my weight in tomorrows post. We'll see if I can get there. And more importantly, see if I can figure out how to post pictures on here!

So Monday is officially Day One!!!

Alright alright, I know what you all are thinking, "geez! when is this girl going to get her act together?" I've been saying that I need to get started and yet I haven't done one single workout! Well actually I think lifting girls at work counts as a workout cause I can already see some firmness to my arms but that's just my own thinking. Anyway, since I've been down with "lady sickness" for the past couple of days, not much has been getting done. Tomorrow I will be cured of said sickness but it's Sunday and I want to sleep in and relax. So Monday it is.

I know that to get a really great workout, you need hardcore cardio. For me, I'm not really into all that jumping, running...flailing about basically. I like more relaxed workouts, but ones that are still effective. Pilates. Yoga...some other things I need to figure out but you get the idea. The workout that I'm going to focus on this week is one from last month's SHAPE magazine. It's an ab workout and all you need is an exercise ball, and two 3-5 lbs dumbbells. I've already got those tools on hand so I figure why not give it a shot!

I don't think it feasible to believe that I'll ever have 6 pack abs but I most definitely would love a flatter stomach. And starting this workout and taking little steps at  a time is going to help me achieve that goal. It's not going to be an immediate fix, I know that, but I'm really ready to work on getting fit now. Even though I have about 89 lbs to lose, my goal for the year is to be down at least 30 lbs. I feel that a more attainable goal for now instead of  outrageously thinking  I could lose all 89 lbs this year. It'd be awesome if that COULD happen but like I said, attainable goal.

I'm actually really looking forward to trying this workout and I'm going to see if I can find a link to post it on here. I'm also going to take a before picture prior to starting the workout. Hopefully if all goes well and I can figure out how to post pictures on here, I'll be posting a picture maybe every month to show my progress. And eventually I'll get around to telling everyone that one, not so little number that I'm going to be working so hard to change!

Well what should have been Day One.....

Okay so today should have been Day One...or well Day Two if I'm thinking correctly but either way, here I am again. I was fully intending on getting things started this week with working out and such but alas, my "friend" decided to visit and decided to bring death cramps with her. So needless to say, I've been laying around for the past two days, trying to fight the pain and not act like a total brat towards my husband. I did however decide a few things.

First: I decided that I needed a song each month to deal with each different thing that I'm trying to improve. Since the biggest thing I'm trying to fix besides my weight is my self image, or self confidence, the song I've picked for now is Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love Of All." Sounds totally cheesy I know, but the chorus just really gets to me.

 "I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all"
See how it fits with me learning to love myself? Yeah I thought it was pretty clever if I do say so myself. So for this month, whenever I'm feeling down and need a pick me up, I'll listen to this song. I'm hoping it works out because as of right now, it's just a theory untested.

Second: I've always heard women say that to make themselves feel better after a tough day, or in order to face a tough day, they make sure they are wearing make-up. Now knowing me, this isn't going to be easy for me. I don't like to take a lot of time worrying about what I look like but I think that's part of the problem. I can't expect my husband to tell me I look pretty when I am lounging around in his pajamas, my hair pulled up in a pony tail, and my face looking same old same old. Well actually he SHOULD tell me I look pretty even then, and he does, but I know he likes it when I put in a little effort. So for the past two days, I've attempted to put make-up on before leaving the house. Yesterday I think I did pretty well, I even put on eye liner, which is saying a lot! Today I didn't feel like doing much but I at least tried a little. I put on moisterizer, foundation, some cover up, and some mascara. I may not look as spiffed up as yesterday but at least it made me feel a little bit prettier than normal.

Third: I recommend that everyone should read Carmen Electra's "How To Be Sexy." It's got good tips and advice in there and while many women (myself included) think it's IMPOSSIBLE to be as sexy as she is, this book shows that with a little work and some practice it IS possible. I may never look like Carmen but I can act like her....just not as slutty and all. Not to say she is slutty, just I won't be taking my clothes off  or wearing revealing clothes in public, just saying.

I know I still have a long way to go and that already it's starting out to be harder than I though but I'm going to get through it and I'm going to succeed with everything that I want! Let's see what tomorrow brings :)

And so it begins.....

Hello blog world!
               Okay I'm not gonna lie here, I'm not the best at keeping up a blog. I never know what to write, or if anyone would even care what I write. But then again, maybe I just need this for a place to vent. Either way, here it goes.

               So you know that one number that all women lie about? The one they'd be mortified if anyone found out? Yeah I'm not talking about age here, I'm talking about weight. Honestly, if  it ever came down to it, I'd glady sing my age over my weight any day. For those of you who don't know, I'm 20 by the way. As for my weight......well maybe I'm not quite ready to tell that number yet but I will tell you this: This blog is going to follow my adventure in making that weight number become a lot smaller!

              Some days are going to be tough..Okay who am I kidding? Most days are going to be tough. I'll complain about getting up early to work out, I'll complain about how my husband has steak while I'm stuck with a salad, maybe. But there are also going to be victory days. Days when I can't help but brag about how well I think I'm doing, or about a new recipe I've tried, or a new class.  All that I hope for this blog is that it can be a place where I can express myself as I try to better myself. And this isn't about just losing weight though, it's about finding in inner, gorgeous me that I know is just dying to come out. Every day that the real me is hidden inside, she is dying a little so I need to find her before she is completely gone!

              So get ready for the ups and downs, the tips and advice, and enjoying the journey of a 20 year old girl as she strives to become the P.H.A.T woman that she is!