Exercise releases endorphins, Endorphins make you happy!!!!!!!

I'm sure everyone has heard that quote from Legally Blonde. I didn't know it was actually true until I worked out the other day. I came home in such a great mood! My husband loved it and I felt fantastic. I finally know what people are talking about when they say they have a workout "high". I think that's something I could maybe get addicted to lol. Now I know it's impossible to already see results but I just feel a little smaller when I look at myself and I really like that. Even just feeling that way helps me know it's possible to eventually be the way I want to look!

I've been working on my dream board over the weekend. I thought I was doing pretty good until I realized I had more positive, uplifting words (which is good), but not enough pictures of ways I want to look. So it's still a work in progress but no worries, it's almost complete! I'm just really excited about it and can't wait until it's completely done. I think it's going to help motivate me even more.

I'm just feeling really positive about everything right now. I really think it's going to work this time. I'm going to be different!!!! It's going to be great!

Feelin' The Burn

Well I worked out at the rec center today with my bestie. We were lacking motivation today and were pretty tired but we still made an effort. I haven't worked out in a while obviously but man do I feel the burn now. It made me feel so good afterwards to know that I did something to aid in my weightloss. I'm excited to start planning more ways to exercise and workout. I'm also going to start walking more. It's going to be really good for me. I just know it!

On Monday, I'm going to see if I can get my sister to help me take a before photo and get my measurements down. Once I have those, I'll have a better idea of what exactly I need to do and where I need to be. I'm honestly just getting so excited! Let's hope that lasts lol. The biggest thing I need to work on right now though is my self confidence.

Since I don't like the way I look, I blame my weight for other things. I say my husband isn't attracted to me because I'm fat. I just blame everything on my weight. I don't want to do that anymore. So even though I'm still fat and I'm going to be for a while, I want to improve my self confidence and how I see myself. I already commented about how  I want to make a dream board so that is my goal for this weekend. And also to work on my self image. Hopefully things all work out the way I want them to. My next post is hopefully going to be things I like about myself. I just have to think about that first lol

Doctor Aftermath

Well going to the doctor today was kind of a bust. He got my records from my two previous doctors so that he had all my information. Needless to say, after reviewing my files, I feel like he thinks what I told him about having PCOS and Hypothyriodism is a bunch of crock. I mean, those doctors are the ones who told me I had those things so I'm not sure what their notes say otherwise. Either way, the doctor had me get my blood drawn (AWFUL), and had to me a gluclose test to see if my pre-diabetic condition was improving or had gotten worse.

I figured the doctor would put me on the same medications that I was on before to help with these problems but he doesn't think they are going to be much help to me. I guess once we get the blood work back, we might find out something different but for now I'm medication free. The doctor compared being overweight and eating all the time to being a heroin addict. That just made me so happy, let me tell you! I was so upset by that I leaned over and jokingly said to my husband "I wish I was a heroin addict, then I'd be SKINNY!" I don't really wish that, I swear. I would never want to do that to my body! I was basically told today that I have to work really hard for a really long time to lose the almost 100 lbs I'm carrying around or get surgery. The doctor doesn't think I really have any other options.

Obviously, I'm WAY against surgery. It just isn't for me.  I want to do this the right way, the healthy way. I've gotten my husband to agree to get healthy with me and my bestie has agreed to start working out with me again. I'm actually getting excited because I know I can do this. I know I can change my body and my lifestyle. I want to love myself! However, the biggest reason I want to lose weight is for someone else.

My husband is not able to have children, and we'd like to use a sperm donor to start our family. At my current weight, and with the problems I have, it would be near impossible for me to have a safe, healthy pregnancy. Derek and I have always said we'd wait about a year before we started planning for a family so I'm going to take this year and get healthy. I want to have a family, I want to be a mom. Being around my sister lately has really reinforced the idea. We both struggle with infertility in our lives and I'm so glad I have her to go through things like this with. So as I said, my biggest reason for wanting to lose weight is for someone else, my future family.

Coming Clean

Alright ya'll I'm just going to come clean here. I'm going to tell you all my weight. I currently weigh 221 lbs. This is the most I've ever weighed and honestly it depresses me to no ends but then again you all know that from my last post.

I spent some time with my sister today and she inspired me to make a dream board about my fitness goals. I going to make one tomorrow and display it where I will see it every day and hopefully it will help to motivate me. I think on Monday I'll take my measurements and get a before photo taken. I have an appointment with my doctor that day so I guess we'll see where I'm going from there.

So in addition to having hypothyroidism, I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. Between the two, it's a wonder I've ever been able to lose weight in my life! The doctor says that once I lose the weight, those problems, as well as being pre-diabetic, will go away. How am I supposed to lose weight when both of those things are keeping me from it!?! I know it's possible though so I'm going to get there someday. The doctor will put me on some medications probably to help with it but I guess we'll have to see on Monday.

Today I had to go shopping for some new clothes since I don't have many things I can wear anymore. I was able to find some cute shirts that I liked but jeans were a whole other story. I generally fluctuate between a size 16 and size 18. I tried on a pair of size 20 and even they didn't work. Given they were skinny jeans but I didn't know that when I tried them on. Still it caused a mini breakdown right there in the middle of the plus-size department of Wal-Mart. Yeah I'm officially plus-size now, just so we're all clear. My sister advised me to go try D.E.B at the mall for some jeans so that's wear I'll be headed tomorrow. I'm also going to look into maybe getting a personal trainer because I think that will really help me. We'll just have to see how things pan out. Despite my breakdown the other day though, I have a positive outlook.....at least for now.

I FAIL!

Okay seriously, I fail at this whole weight loss thing. I'm still lacking motivation even though I really want to lose the weight. I just can't seem to get into it. I know I'm one of those people who wants instant result so obviously weight loss is going to be hard for me just for the mere fact that it's not instant. I know it takes work. I know it takes time. I just can't seem to cope with that.

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror, I end up hating myself more and more. I don't even like having my husband look at me because I'm so disgusted with myself. He says he loves me and that I'm still good-looking to him but I know I'm not. I'm seriously getting bigger every day. There are new stretch marks everywhere. I just look awful. I can't even wear most of my clothes anymore. It used to be just about half of my clothes that I couldn't wear. Now the t-shirts that I used to wear to cover up my fat....even they are getting tight. Most days I don't even want to leave the house because I don't want to be seen in public.

I don't want to be fat anymore. I REALLY SERIOUSLY DON'T!!!!!!! I just don't know what to do to get myself more into working out and eating right. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to like myself...even love myself again. I just don't know how to get there. I'm just stuck in this never ending cycle of getting bigger and bigger. I need to figure something else out. I need to find out how to really kick myself into gear and get to a place where I start seeing result so that I don't give up. I mean, the other day I ate 5 slices of cheese stuffed crust pizza and 3 cheese sticks. I just give into my cravings where ever and whenever without a thought or care. I don't want to be like that anymore but I can't seem to stop eating.

Another problem I have is my thyroid. I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid is under active and it is harder for me to lose weight. I feel like I use that as an excuse sometimes but I know I should get back on my medications and find ways to work around it. There are just so many things I need to work through to really get to a place where I can be happy and comfortable with myself. I think the first thing I need to do is get on a real sleep schedule. No more staying up until 3,4, or 5 in the morning and sleeping until 1,2, or 3 in the afternoon. Speaking of which, I better get to bed now. Have to be up early in the morning.

The Ab Workout

Alright, this ab workout has already kicked my butt, or well abs I guess I should say. I ran through it twice this morning since I missed yesterday and just sitting here I can already feel the burn! The moves didn't look so hard in the magazine but once I actually started doing them, I could really feel them working. I wish I could post the workout on here but sadly I can't find it on http://www.shape.com/ , but I recommend everyone visit this site! They have so many great tips and workout and just everything you need to either jump start your weight loss efforts, or revamp your day-to-day routines. I really think I should maybe renew my subscription.

Anyway, onto other things now. I have a major weakness: SODA. More specifically-Sprite. I really love it, and I can't get enough of it sometimes. At first I was going to attempt to just cut out soda all together but I realized that just stopping cold turkey doesn't work for me. I need to gradually lessen my amounts and have it less frequently. I think eventually I'd like to not be drinking soda anymore but I, for myself, find that a little hard to do. One of the biggest things about weight loss is moderation. Have your favorite dessert, just in smaller portions, and not every night. So I think the same thing applies to soda. At least for now anyway. I think I'll allow myself one soda a week and gradually cut back to maybe one soda every two weeks? I think that's a good place to be, especially for me.

Hopefully I'll be posting a current photo, measurements, and possibly my weight in tomorrows post. We'll see if I can get there. And more importantly, see if I can figure out how to post pictures on here!