Another Attempt

Hello world, I am Emily. I make excuses. Especially when it comes to exercise. I'm really good at making excuses for that. I'm too tired. I didn't get enough sleep. I don't feel well. Death cramps. No time. Although, honestly, when it comes down to it, I just don't like to exercise. I'm not sure anyone who is overweight likes to exercise. I think maybe I could get to that point though...right? I mean there have to be people out there that like to exercise, eh....who knows. Anywho, back to the point of this post.

I had a visit with the doctor today. My main concern: weight (obviously.) I had gotten some information from my lovely mom about an appetite suppressant pill. I thought that maybe if I could take it and start to see results, I'd want to keep going. Of course my doctor was very against me taking that particular pill. "There's no easy fix to weight loss" as if I need another reminder right, geez! Anyway, while my doctor was against the one pill, he agreed to put me back on Metformin to see how it's working out for me. I've got a month before my next follow up so we'll see.

I've been going to the gym and trying to eat healthier. It's hard (DUH!), but I'm really trying to stick with it. I asked the doctor what my healthy weight should be to have a healthy pregnancy when the time is right. He told me that for height and age, I should be about 100lbs. I ABOUT DIED!!!!! Are you freaking kidding me? Me? 100 lbs? Yeah right! The first words out of my mouth after he told me "that's gross!" The doctor agreed that since I'm big-boned (is that even a real thing), it would be improbable for me to weight that little. Instead he tells me that for a healthy pregnancy, I should aim for between 102 to 140 lbs. That narrows it down huh. I'm aiming for between 125 to 135. I think that's good for me so that's the goal.

Had to go swim suit shopping today. TRAUMATIC I TELL YOU! I was so embarrassed I was getting flustered, red-faced, and I started sweating. I ended up buying one that I actually like but I'm still SUPER self-conscience to wear it in public but who isn't. I wore the swim suit to 7 peaks (Utah water park) and after a while, I forgot about my body. I just enjoyed having fun with my friends and being in the water. It was so much fun and I just want to get back to that. Enjoying life without worrying about my body. That someday is coming so soon I can almost taste it! I'm going to work even harder and get to where I need to be!

Long, rambling post I know, and I know I've said a million times that I'm going to change and lose the weight. I just feel like something has changed now and I might possibly start seeing results one day soon.

Positive Thinking

So I heard somewhere a while back that instead of thinking about how much weight you want to lose, you should focus on the number you want to be. I didn't really think it would work at first but I thought I'd give it a try. So for the past couple of weeks, when I'm getting ready to go to bed, I think over and over in my mind "125.....125......125.....125" I fall asleep with that number replaying in my mind every night.

Since I've started doing this, I've lost 6 pounds! It probably doesn't hurt that I've also stopped eating late at night. I've kinda noticed a few changes already and oddly enough I'm feeling good! Lets hope I can keep this up! My sister S and her bestie(our mutual friend) B have invited me to participate in doing yoga with them on  Saturday mornings. I've only done it once but it was good. I'm excited to keep it up!

I'm slowly but surely working towards my goal and I'm seeing a bit of progress!!!!!! Just thought I'd share that with everyone :)

Feeling a little down.

So with my last post, I was so excited to start this whole running venture but now that excitement has seem to worn off. The biggest reason is that I can't get started with my new adventure. We don't have the extra money for me to buy new shoes or a good bra, plus I'm sure I'll need knee braces because my knees hurt just from standing for long periods of time. How sad is it that at 21, I'm already having joint problems because of how much I weigh? Yeah, definitely sad, I know.

I got an email on Facebook today from a friend from my hubby's mission. She's read this here blog and I actually inspired her to by the couch to 5k app and she had just completed her first day! I'm so proud of her!!!!!!!! I only wish I could inspire myself the way I've inspired her. I really want to get started on this, I really do. I cry a little on the inside every time I think about wanting to work out and realize I can't do the things I want to do because I don't have the proper equipment. I don't want to injury myself in any way so I want to make sure I have the right stuff before I start. You'd think with working two jobs now, we'd have a little extra money but truth-be-told, we don't. Still trying to stick to our budget and so far we've been doing pretty great. There just usually isn't extra money for extra things. I'm thinking about getting a third job so that we'll have a little extra money so I can get me some exercise clothing and start this running stuff!!!!! We'll just have to see how it goes I guess.

I might be back....

Alright I've been MIA for a while and in my last post, I mention that my blog might have died. However, I still log in every day and read others blogs and I'm seeing everyone making changes around me yet I'm not going anywhere. That's not okay with me.

Lately the weirdest thing has been happening to me. My legs feel like they need to run. I HATE RUNNING!!!!! It's not even funny how much I hate running yet everyone tells me I should get into it because it's a good way to jump start weight loss and see results. So since my legs have been craving it, I caved and bought an app on my ipod touch. It's a Couch to 5K thing that goes for 9 weeks and at the end of it, you're supposed to be able to run......well obviously, a 5K. I haven't started it yet but I'm kind of excited. I need to get some shoes first and a better sports bra. A big girl like me has bigger....assets that need to be supported :)

I'm not sure how I feel about taking on this venture but I'm going to try. I think part of the reason I hate running so much is because I'm so out of shape. Honestly I think that's the biggest reason. I mean, aside from the awful pain I get whenever I run of course. Also, I don't breathe very well when I run, courtesy of a semi-blocked sinus passage. I think the biggest problem I'm going to have with this is that I'm lazy. I like to sleep, I like to relax, watch t.v, surf the internet. I just plain don't like to work out or put my body through pain. I know that's the reason I'm so big, besides all the crap I eat as well.

So once I get my shoes and bra, I'm going to try the first week of the program. I'll get back to you soon to let you know how it goes.

Eh.....

I don't have the motivation to write. I feel like I have nothing of importance or value to talk about. I'm just stuck and not going anywhere. Maybe my blog has died.

StS Day 7

Well I did my weigh in today. I was beyond depressed. Minus the brownie incident, I thought I had been doing pretty good with my eating and even though I had been less than diligent with my workouts. I figured I'd still be the same or maybe a few ounces under but no. I'm up 3 pounds. Like I said, beyond depressed. I started feeling really down on myself and I all sorts of ready to just give up. I have hit my highest weight of 223 and in my mind I felt like I had done all this hard work so I couldn't understand how I had ended up here. Then I realized that it's my own fault and I have no one and nothing else to blame for where I'm at right now.

I've been putting in less then 100% on my part and quite honestly I'm sick of it. I know I've said I need to step it up and really put my heart into it but I don't think I ever really believed it until today. I thought I could just do the bare minimum and somehow manage to make it work. I CAN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!! I need to buckle down and really put in a huge effort. I need to get myself on a sleep schedule and get up and work out. I need to make my menus and stick to them instead of  just being lazy about it. I need to focus on my portion control and really try hard to stick to it. I also need to believe in myself and know that I can make this happen. I don't know how many of you read my post about losing weight to start a family but that's been on my mind a lot today.

My sister S has been in an adoption process for about 12 weeks. The baby mama gave birth this morning making my beautiful sister a first time mommy. I am so happy for her and so excited to meet my little niece Iz, but it reminded me of my goal of wanting to be a mommy myself and how I'm not working towards that goal at all. Hubby is wanted to get pregnant when we get home from our anniversary trip. So first off, I need to lose the weight for our trip but I also have to lose it to be able to have a healthy pregnancy. I'm sure once I lose the weight though I'm going to want to wait to get pregnant so I can keep the weight off for a while. Either way I need to lose weight to obtain my ultimate goal of starting a family.

So I'm having a change of heart here and now. I'm not going to slack off any more. I'm going to make sacrifices and I'm going to put in the effort. I'm going to make changes for the better and I'm going to prevail!!!!!!!

StS Day 4

Well I'm sure this will come as no shock to people who know me but I'm sick again. Pretty sure my Hubby got the 24 hour flu that's flying around and of course I just managed to catch it as well. I think part of being overweight is that i have a weakened immune system. I don't know this for a fact but either way, I have a crap immune system and I get sick ALL the time. So I'm down for today. No exercising and just slowly eating saltine crackers so that I don't end up throwing up again. Exceeding my water goal today though. So far I've had 6 water bottles. That's 144 ounces so far for the day. Yes I've been to the bathroom frequently, minus the "stage fright" at workmed when I had to pee in a cup for a pre-employment drug test. Took me almost 2 hours to finally get it over and done with, even though I'd had tons of water. Psh, oh well. The most important thing is that I'm staying hydrated and it's even more important now that I'm sick and throwing up and such. I'm hoping and praying this really is only a 24 hour bug, the nurses at workmed said it's a 3 day flu and that's not something I can do. Off to continue my rest and relaxation so I can get better. Find a way to feel P.H.A.T today!!!!!!!!